Saturday, June 6, 2020

Four Days of Trump Campaign Emails

My Outlook inbox is regularly inundated with Trump emails.   They range from heaping praise on me for supporting Trump and criticism for not adequately supporting Trump.  I get a lot of exclusive offers and apparently President Trump knows me personally!

Trump Campaign Manager Brad Parscale
It is a wonder I get Trump emails at all. Lord knows, I have never given the Trump campaign a dime because, well, I am not stupid.  At this point, most of the money people contribute to the Trump campaign ends up in Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale's pocket or are filtered as "campaign expenditures" to Trump's many companies.  Donations to the Trump campaign and the RNC at this point are not about Trump's re-election. They are about making Trump a wealthy person, and I mean really wealthy, not pretend wealthy like when Trump's resume consisted of only being a failed businessman.

So let's dig in and take a look at the 24 emails I received from the Trump campaign over a four day period.  Sender name first, followed by date and time of the email, then title of the email.  In parenthesis is my commentary on the substance of the email.

Lara Trump 
Friday, May 29th, 10:05 am:
Where is YOUR name, Paul?  Did we miss it?
(Apparently my name is missing from the May End-of-Month" donor list.  I am in big trouble with the Trump folks  Remind me again who "Lara Trump" is?  Is she Don, Jr.'s ex-wife or Eric's current wife?  I'm guessing Lara is blonde.)

Trump Deadline Alert
Friday, May 29th, 12:35 pm
You need to read this.  Important information inside.
(And I did.   Apparently someone from Team Trump 2020 "just got off the phone with President Trump" and found out my name was missing from the May End-of-Month" donor list.  Wow, now I am on Trump's radar!)

Newt Gingrich
Friday, May 29th, 3:33 pm
The Big Government Socialist Party.  We can't let them win.
(Newt is writing me personally to let me know "The Democratic Party doesn't exist anymore."  So, I guess they're letting me know they do not need my money after all.  No, the email still asks for money.  I guess the Libertarian Party is still a threat.)
Friday, May 29th, 6:00 pm
Help us CRUSH our May End-of-Month Goal.  Have your contribution 500%-MATCHED.
(Apparently I'm back in Trump's good graces.  The email informs me I "have been selected" and that I have been "identified as one of President Trump's TOP supporters."  I'm being rewarded with an "EXCLUSIVE offer" to give a donation.)

Donald J. Trump
Friday, May 29th, 8:35 am
Let's DOUBLE it
(Email informs me that since "Sleepy" Joe Biden's campaign goal is to raise $6 million in May.  So Trump wants to double that number.  So any donation I make will be matched "500%-MATCHED."  Will someone explain to me where the money used to "match" political contributions is actually coming from?  Are you matching campaign contributions with other campaign contributions and, if so, isn't that a little dishonest?  I would alert the Federal Election Commission but Trump has made sure the FEC won't be enforcing campaign finance laws anytime soon.)

Donald J. Trump
Saturday, May 30th, 10:57 AM
Let's Make a statement.  Will you help?
(Trump personally reviewed his May fundraising list and noticed my name is missing.)
Saturday, May 30th, 1:35 pm
This is your chance.  Make 5X the impact.
(Email informs me again that I've been "selected" and I'm one of Trump's "TOP" supporters.  My donation will be matched times five.)

Brad Parscale (Trump's Campaign Mangager)
Saturday, May 30th, 4:19 pm
I just spoke with the president
(Apparently Brad "recently stepped out of a meeting with President Trump to update him on [the] May fundraising numbers."  Okay, if he stepped "out of a meeting" with Trump how did he then inform Trump of the fundraising numbers?   Was he meeting in close proximity with the President and then think he needed to socially distance himself from the President?  Well, no matter. Turns out Trump himself asked Brad "why Paul from Indiana is MISSING."  Again, it would appear that I am on Trump's radar for not opening my wallet.)

Trump Finance
Saturday, May 30th, 6:07 pm
We think there was a mistake.  We wanted to make sure.
(Still not on the May donor list. Trump people are mad.)

Donald J. Trump
Saturday May 30th, 9:23 pm
Joe Biden who?  He's becoming irrelevant.)
(If Trump has forgotten who Joe Biden is, should we not worry about Trump becoming senile?  And if Trump knows who Biden is and claims he is "irrelevant," then Trump shouldn't need my money to beat him.  Nonetheless, the email again tells me Biden's fundraising goal and reminds me of the 500% match.
Saturday, May 30th 10:34 pm
Special offer for Paul only.  Don't share this with anyone.
(Well, I had a lot of friends who wanted to donate to your campaign, Donald, but I will do what you want and not share with them this email.  And thanks for selecting donate to the Trump campaign.  I am truly special.)

Donald J. Trump
Sunday, May 31st, 9:41 am.
FINAL DAY.  I am counting on you, Paul
(President Trump has taken time out from tweeting to write me personally.   In the email, the President chews me out. The President says that Lara, Don, Jr., Eric, Brad Parscale, Newt Gingrich and the Trump Finance Team has emailed me, but my name is STILL MISSING from the May fundraising list.  Trump is royally pissed at me.)
Sunday, May 31st, 12:29 pm
PATRIOT ALERT.  We need your help.
(New format for the email. Graphics show my contribution growing 5 times  But I only have 12 more hours to give.)

Donald J. Trump
Sunday, May 31st, 3:05 pm
I didn't see your name on the list
(Again, President Trump is writing me personally to let me know how upset he is with me that I did not make a donation to his "campaign" in May.)
Sunday, May 31st, 6:05 pm
Only 6 hours left.  Tick tock.
(Time is running out to get on the list.)\
Sunday, May 31st, 7:35 pm
We NEVER do this. And we won't do it again.)
(Yeah, pretty sure you will.  So I am told, once again I have an EXCLUSIVE opportunity to donate to the Trump campaign and my contribution will be matched 500%.  The Trump campaign is trying to CRUSH its $8 million goal for May.)

Trump Deadline Alert
Sunday, May 31st, 9:05 PM
We're running out of time.  3 hours to make history.
(You mean, if I give Trump a donation I can make history happen?  Alert Ken Burns!)

Trump Deadline Alert
Sunday, May 31st, 10:05 PM
LAST CHANCE.  Let's CRUSH the left.
(Good.  Glad to be done with these May fundraising emails.)
Sunday, May 31st, 11:05 PM
You need to act fast.  1 HOUR LEFT
(Okay, now I'm glad to be done with these May fundraising emails.)

Trump Finance
Monday, June 1st, 10:09 AM
Offer expires in 60 MINUTES. Then it's gone FOREVER.
(So I have more time to make a contribution in May even though it is now June. Wait...what?  Brad is so busy with his million dollar Florida homes and yacht, he didn't bother to update these automatically generated emails.)

Donald J. Trump
Monday, June 1st, 12:34 pm
Let's WIN AGAIN.  Will you join me?
(You mean like we won in 2018?  Email wants me to become an Official 2020 Trump Life Member.  Now, if I do this will I be a member for my entire life or Trump's life?  Regardless, the email has a scroll of of all the people - first names and initials of last names - of all those donors who who have become "Trump Life Members."   This has to a be a real thing considering the cool graphic.  There are only 600 more slots left though so I need to move fast.  Another deadline....I have to do this by 11:59 tonight.  Must rush!)

Official Trump Polling
Monday, June 1st, 3:04 pm
Tell us the truth.  President Trump is asking.
(This is great.  I get to do a poll.  I feel so Gallopish.  Okay, the question is "How would you rate President Trump's recent job performance."  My choices are "Great," "Good," "Okay," or "Other."  No "Bad" or "Terrible" choices?  I'm beginning to think this is not a real poll.  Now, I find a link to the full poll.  Filling it out.  Sorry, Donald, but I'm giving you really bad marks and ending the poll by saying I'm voting for Biden.   As soon as I hit "Record My Responses," the Trump people will realize I'm not going to give them money and will take me off the email list.  Done. Wait...they are asking me for money again even though I'm a Biden supporter?)

Trump Finance
Monday, June 1st, 5:39 pm
For 1 hour ONLY
(Still time to give money in May...even though it is now June!  500% match of my contribution!  Exclusive offer!  Someone should wake up Sleepy Brad Parscale and get him to fix these automated emails.)

Trump 2020 App
Monday, June 1st, 8:04 pm
One-on-one with the President
(Because I am one of Trump's TOP supporters, I am being offered a "guaranteed opportunity to meet [my] favorite President at a future event" if I download the Official Trump 2020 App.  Not sure how the Trump campaign has created the technology to do this, but somehow the app will transport me back in time to meet Ronald Reagan! I'm also cool with meeting Abraham Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt.  They are favorites too.)


marksmall2001 said...

Because I hold a lucrative position of power in the GOP, I have received similar e-mails. I had to respond to one e-mail directly from his excellency in which he said, in light of my strident support for him in my blog, I would be granted one wish. I replied that I would like to see him defenestrate his high-profile daughter. The initial e-mail had surprised me, but his response was even more of a surprise. He assured me he already had done so, years ago, but that, since it had occurred on an island off St Thomas, he was assured it was perfectly legal.

Paul K. Ogden said...

"Defenstrate?" You want to see Trump throw Ivanka out the window? Yeah, I'd pay to see that.